Part Two
Short Chatlo-patsak dictionary.
Ktse - matches Tsak - Little bell for the nose.
Etsikh - Box for prisoners. Etsilopp - Member of the Police.
Pepelats - Interplanetary ship. Gravitsapa - Component of Pepelats motor
Kyu - Oath permissible in company. Koo - All other words.
Hi!
Hello.
Long time no see!
Bye!
Oi! Hang on a sec!
I've got a proposal!
What?
What do we think of you?
Well? Read our minds.
Why do you stick to us? What do you need?
Do you have no shame?
Do you?
We are poor, unfortunate, hungry artists!
What wrong have we done you?
Why do you torment us?
Give your bandura here...
Tune up...
Like so.
Come on.
One two three.
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
Mama, mama, How will I live?
I don't have a warm coat,
I don't have a warm vest.
Shut it! You're tone deaf!
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
Mama, mama, How will I live?
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
They like it...
They understand.
One two...
Etsilopp!!!
Artists! And where is our tub?
The pepelats?
Yes.
There...
The fuel is finished.
Because of you, pests.
Skripach! What are you doing? Hooligan!
Listen, leave me in peace, okay?
My friend,
it's somebody's last breath,
a grave...
Checkmate!
You said you were 'second class'.
He's a braggart!
Cheat!
You won by reading my thoughts.
If you had a brain, you'd be studying in MGIMO,
And not here pissing everybody off.
Want to play again?
For your violin, case and tooth stick...
And this!
Okay?
Okay! From you the bandura, the visator...
and the mojo of Mr. Uef.
Agreed.
Let's do it!
Uncle Vova...
You need to screw the tsapa in.
Alright - you do it!
I'm not allowed, I'm a Chatlanian.
Sod off!
When it comes to advice, you're all Chatlanians,
When it comes to work, though...
Fool's mate.
Cheat!
You purposely thought bad moves for me!
Use your own brain for the game!
How can he use his own brain,
when he's just seen these dolls for the first time?
That's not my problem.
Give me my winnings.
No way!
Uef, did you ever see such a mercenary little patsak-kyu?
Never. I told you we don't need Skripach, and here's the result.
Hey!
Boss!...
You said tsapa!
Is it true nobody sings in cages on the Earth?
Mr. Beeh, on the Earth we only have animals in cages.
Are those animals Chatlanians?
I don't know. They act like it...
Is nightingale a Patsak?
Why a Patsak?
You said it sings without a cage.
Well then he's a Patsak.
Ah! So you see, you have the same open racism as here on Pluke.
Only the Patsaks have taken power, not the Chatlanians,
just like you and your friend the Nightingale!
Let me...
You can have four gulps.
The water's for the youngster.
You owe us 6042 boxes now.
Skripach, make a note.
I already have.
Do you want some?
No.
It's free.
Hey!!
What are you doing?
And me? And me?
I'll give you ten boxes more, take some water for yourself...
God, Kin-dza-dza!
A ship!
It's not a ship. It's a luts-station.
So we can refuel!
We can't! This one's automatic, but with a woman attendant.
If we perform, she'll give us a discount, understand?
Don't hesitate, Uncle Vova.
Come on, come on, my friend... Come on...
If this was once sea, why are there no sea shells?
On the Earth you still have seas?
We have seas, and rivers,
and honest people too, Mr. Uef.
Savages. You make me want to cry.
Mama, mama, what shall I do,
Mama, mama, how shall I live,
I don't have a warm coat,
I don't have a warm vest.
It's a pity my boss can't see me now,
He'd probably give me a raise.
Keep quiet, Uncle Vova.
She's watching us.
They took the woman out and installed a machine.
So take enough for the money you have.
At least we'll fly some way!
You can't buy luts in parts.
Luts costs 10 chatls per load, and we only have 7.
How far from here to the centre?
160 km.
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls,
in the right shoe...
Oi, Chatlanian!
What?
Can you take your right boot off for us?
Why?
Kyu, bastard!
All of you! Squat!
Why? They're not epsilopps are they?
It's PJ with his Patsak.
If they find out that you didn't squat,
It's life in etsikh laying on nails.
Who's he?
You see that?
Yeah, it's a hologram, my friend.
The violin!
Quiet! Stand still!
Stand still!
And you say koo.
It's not a balloon, you idiot!
It's the last breath of Mr. PJ.
Bollocks.
How could one person breath so much just before he died?
Absurd.
Don't blaspheme. PJ is alive!
And I am happy.
I'm happier still.
Like this.
Come on, get inside.
Plastic.
No.
Is there a normal entrance to this supermarket?
Normal entrance you have to pay chatls for, my friend.
Get on with it!
Skripach! Patsaks go there!
What are they doing?
This is the fourth pump of Mr. PJ.
I love PJ very much.
I 'koo' him even more!
And here they make water from luts.
What are they shouting?
Sell.
Sell what?
Sell everything.
So we'll take a gravitsapa!
Gravitsapas are another department.
First we need to find out the tenture of the Earth.
Yellow Trousers... two times 'koo'.
Think! What's the diameter of you planet's orbit?
I don't remember... Skripach do you know?
No, we don't need Skripach. You!
All right.
The specific gravity of the core of your planet. Think.
Specific gravity? No, I can't remember...
I see.
The names of the planets in your galaxy. Which ones do you know? Think.
Jupiter, Mars, Venus...
There was a crystal display! Where is the crystal display?
Skripach! Put it back in its place!
I thought as it was lying there...
...it was a piece of glass...
Stupid idiot.
Enough. Stop your brains squeaking, fool.
Here's the number of your planet: 013 in the tenture.
On the left of the Great Bear.
Do you want to talk with the Earth? It'll cost you another chatl.
I don't understand?
Think of your own telephone number!
And ask them about matches.
...Hello! Hello! Can you hear me?
Speak here...
Hello!
Hello! I'm listening, go ahead!
Hello!
Speak! It's timed!
Hello! Lusya!
Vova!
Can you hear me? It's me!
Vova, where are you?
Well, I'm here... How are you?
You...
How's Cyril?
Where are you, Vo... Where are you, Vova?
I'm here, in some place,
I'll explain everything later.
How's mum feeling?
Have you been to see her?
I have been... I asked you where you were!
Listen, Patsak woman! Stop fooling around! Run and buy two wooden boxes of ktse!
Or we'll find another woman for him!
Sod off! Lusya! Dear Lusya...
Lusya. My darling...
Lusya... Lusya!
Take the phone, right now, and call Victor Manohin...
...tell him that the plumbing keys are in my cabin,
under the thingy... under the cupboard. Lying on the floor.
Did you get all that?
Yes, I got it...
Put me through to Batumi, 3-47-57, please.
Tell them to fetch Alec.
No, I won't. Piss off you bloody thief.
Is something wrong?
It's alright, only the Earth is so far way.
Instead of five, the gravitsapa will need seven minutes to warm up.
So let's go and get the tsapa ready for the gravitsapa.
Astronauts! Which is the tsapa here?
This rusty nail, my friend.
Yeah! Everything here's rusty!
And that's the most rusty.
Are you quite crazy?
Oh, mama-mama! Lusya and Manokhin are here! Surprise...
Uncle Vova!
The match is in his cap!
Strange, that they should fly off now.
Why strange? They've got a match, can buy a gravitsapa,
and know the Tenture of the Earth!
Comrade Etsilopp! Comrade Etsilopp!
They've stolen our things!
Arrest them!
Forty Chatls.
We've no chatls. Everything is with the tour guide.
And the violin they took is somebody else's.
And when they were in front of the video of PJ,
They didn't say Koo!
Why are you staring at me?
If your bosses find out that you knew of this and did nothing,
You'll be bloody trankluted! Get it?
I didn't do nothing!
I pressed the kappa straight away!
Skripach is a witness.
All guards!
Bring a wheeled prison tub, here
There's nothing in it.
Open it.
Show him.
It's vinegar.
It's none of your business.
The Patsak will be tranklukated,
The Chatlanian will spend his life in etsikh lying on nails.
Oh, brothers, brothers. Fellow Patsaks.
Tell the truth, how I squatted.
How the Chatlanian pressed the kappa.
Shut the fuck up!
Uncle Vova, please...
Shut up! Parasite!
Shut up yourself!
Vova, friend! Gedevan Alexanich!
Don't listen to him!
Tell them that it was him!
He didn't squat!
No...
And I'll give the pepelats to you.
Uncle Vova! The pepelats is mine! Mine!
Quiet! Calm down!
...Let me think.
Nobody insulted anyone...
They all squatted, like monkeys.
I was confused.
And I brought the Ktse.
What Ktse?
The match, which you took out... from the hat.
There wasn't a match. There wasn't.
Uncle Vova, what's the matter with you?
Forgive me, I forgot. There was no match.
No match.
Life imprisonment for both in etsikh without nails.
Until the fine is paid.
500 chatls, 250 per head.
Thank you!
Patsak! Glue the violin and sing songs!
Skripach! You work the bandura!
Friends! With the match it was a joke. We wanted to make you happy!
Bye!
On the river, on the river, on yonder bank...
Earthman, hello!
I am sure one day you'll reach also this planet.
Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov,
builder from Moscow,
and Gedevan Alexidse from Batumi,
who are the first to set foot on these villainous sands
established in this Universe backyard.
Brother Patsak, put some more of your plastic.
You have some water there.
Well, give me something for it.
It might be so that someone who knows me is still living on Earth.
Tell them, I did not mean to steal the violin.
There! Looks like new!
There's still a little bit.
It happens... All a in lifetime.
High calorie?
Earthmen! How could you be so careless? I could hardly find you.
I got my memory back.
Here's your sock, thank you.
If you want, I can return you to the Earth.
I found out your number in the tenture.
Only hurry! For one second here is half a year there.
Then I have a suggestion...
We transport to the Earth now,
Buy some matches,
Shoot back here and sell them,
Bail out our friends,
We go to Moscow, and you go home.
I can't. I've only three charges.
Well that's okay.
Enough times to go there back here and home again.
And me?
Listen, friend...
Well work it out, yes or no,
I'll count to three... One... Two...
Wait a minute. Take my suggestion.
It's my fault they are in prison.
And my little son has already grown an adult's beard!
Two and a half!
I... I can't do it.
Three.
Oh! Who needs it all?
Tsak-schmak! It's all crap! And we...
Where did you get that from? Eh?
It was laying on a shelf in the planetarium...
Skripach! You dear kleptomaniac!
You brought us a gravitsapa!
Patsaks! Patsaks!
Why are you standing performing here?
Standing is allowed only there.
The Etsilopps won't allow us.
You can only kneel here.
So what if we're here...
You've still got to pay us.
Alright, come on...
Come on, obey the rules.
Uncle Vova, your jacket is coming, and my hat.
Hi!
How are things?
Anything new happened... on Pluke?
Sing!
We seem to be out of voice today.
Sing!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, I can't do any more...
Don't worry, Skripach.
How much is that?
One hundred.
Seems like we've sung enough.
And what's that there?
Fifty.
Etsilopp!
Patsaks!
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
Turn round!
Orders of Mr. PJ - all Patsaks to wear muzzles...
and be glad.
So, that's for me and that's for you.
And that's for you.
Why aren't you glad? I demand to know.
Pick up your own gun, Chatlanian.
Put them on, then...
I'm doing it...
I'm glad. Ho ho.
Oh look, PJ's coming!
Where?
Get up!
Open your mouth!
Wider!
Skripach, gag!
Quickly!
Turn round!
Nose!
Give me the money!
Okay... Make sure they stay there, like so...
And you can get rid of these!
If you think, that this junk won't tranklucate you,
it'll be the last though in your Chatlanian head!
Show us the shortest way to the etsikh area, quick march!
Everyone lay down for half an hour!
Forwards!
Quickly!
Excuse me Grandma...
PJ's mom.
Did you see it?
It's him.
Everyone quickly now... in the pool!
Open the door.
And stay there for 24 hours! Do you Koo or not?
Here...
What number?
The last one.
Hello...
Hey, Chatlanian! Sing!
Finish, Skripach...
Wheel out the last but one.
Vanish!
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Gamarjoba...
Get out.
I can't.
They'll catch us.
Stop!
We have a gravitsapa.
Koo, uncle Vova!
Cut it.
Right here.
Throw your weight on it!
Uncle Vova! Help me roll the etsikh out!
Leave it!
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
Because of one stone from the moon mankind wasted a thousand years,
and here's a living alien, and an etsikh
made of an unknown metal.
Leave it, I said!
Tsapa.
Yes, sir! Tsapa.
Tsapa!!! Push the tstapa.
I've pushed.
So are we flying?
Taking off.
Brothers! Be quick! They're after us now!
Don't interfere.
She's landed.
Where?
Hanut.
And what's Hanut?
The planet I was born on.
And me.
Night.
It's always night here, now.
Time to put this on.
Why?
There's no bloody air.
So how do you live here?
Nobody's lived here for years.
Guys from Pluke tranklucked everyone, while we were on the tour.
Why?
Because we didn't have time to do them first.
And why would you want to do them?
So that they weren't hanging over our heads.
And everybody perished?
Of course.
Vova, I've a suggestion.
The planet Hanut is only worth kopeks now.
63 chatls.
We go and sing 'Mama' around the galaxy for a month,
then the planet is ours.
And another month - we can buy air.
93 chatls.
Guys from places with no air will jump into here.
The air will be ours.
They'll be crawling around, and we'll be spitting on them.
Why?
For fun!
Where's the fun in that?
You're too young to know...
Half the planet's yours, half ours. Okay?
Tempting, of course...
But we need the Earth, guys.
We have to hurry. The supermarket closes in half an hour.
Vova, you don't...
Just look.
We're here.
And there's the Earth.
And here's Alpha.
They make cactuses from us on Alpha.
Earth's in the anti-tenture, my friend.
And there's no way that we can reach it, understand?
How's that so?
Just is. I always had bad luck.
It's not possible for a pepelats to get to Earth.
Enough of this bollocks!
Is it clear?
Let's divide the planet up.
You found this out in the planetarium?
Yes, my friend.
...therefore you stole a match?
Of course.
They're lying, uncle Vova.
Don't believe them.
Now, take us to the Earth, that's all!
No, Gedevan, they're not lying.
They'd crawl across the whole Universe for these matches...
Vova! You shouldn't joke like that...
The oxygen here is two percent of normal.
Gedevan... You don't need this.
You're young, you live a long time.
Maybe things will change...
We don't need Skripach, uncle Vova.
Hey, Patsak!
You'll be dead very soon anyway.
Tell the truth for once in your life.
Why didn't you go with that idiot when you could?
What did you want?
Crimson Trousers? PJ's bathhouse? Tell me!
Gedevan, shvilo, tell me please.
Trust me, we're friends.
I have a Georgian mother. Had.
He says she is a local Georgian. Was.
Uef! I don't care what you think, I'll 'koo' them to Alpha.
And you, scabby Chatlanian, wear the tsak!
And "faire la rå'vå'rence" when you speak to a Patsak!
Hanut is the Patsak planet, my friend.
Repeat it again.
You eject us on Alpha, and try to brake in its orbit, and then...
There's no chance to brake there...
Don't interrupt!
Go on, my friend.
On Alpha, when they transfer us to the Earth,
we need to keep our fingers on the back of the space travel machine
so that it stays with us.
On Earth we must buy you four wooden boxes of matches.
Go on, friend.
How many times should we repeat it...
Let's go, if we can.
Because of you I'll be locked up in a flowerpot forever!
And you don't want just to repeat it for us.
Brothers! Dear, good, friend of mine...
Let's fly, or at least close this door.
I can't stand looking at you any more,
I feel sick anyway.
Farewell, my friend.
We're flying.
Brake! Brake! Brake!
How can I brake when you drank all the brake fluid?
Alcoholic!
He'll be sick.
Switch off your antlers!
They won't switch off.
Then take them off.
They'll break then.
It seems to have landed.
Just like last time.
Put on your gas mask.
And the tsak?
No, we can do without it.
Earth!
On the river, on the river, on those banks...
No... not the Earth.
Hello!
We're Patsaks from the planet Earth.
And you are?
This is the planet Alpha.
Report your co-ordinates to Deacont,
and she will transfer you to your point of departure.
Good luck!
The number of your planet, if you'd be so good.
013 in the tenture.
Here it is...
Somewhere here straight ahead.
There.
To the left of the Great Bear.
That's not necessary. If you would, hold hands.
Woman, what are you going to do with these?
Into the Little Greenhouse.
Please.
Hold hands!
Do you really turn people into cacti?
Only out of Plukeeanians.
Oh, but they're not Plukeeanians. They're Hanutians.
That is irrelevant. Please put on the breathing masks.
Why, your air is really nice.
That is precisely why.
God, just look at her.
Ok, Gedevan. Calm down. Put it on.
In the name of the planet,
I'm asking you to let them go.
Who decides their fate?
Abrodox. But...
Take us to him.
Otherwise I'll take off my mask and start breathing.
You shouldn't worry. Our greenhouses are very comfortable.
Blossoming, micro-climate, serenity.
One could be jealous of it.
Then why are you running around on the grass,
and not inside in a pot?
Please look where you are going,
you've already squashed three little plants.
Friend!
We have a big favor to ask you.
You can't continue. No.
Our misfortune is the neighborhood of the galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza.
They are consumed with fury...
...and depravity.
To continue their lives in the form of plants would be a blessing for them.
And for everyone else.
Can we ask themselves what would be a blessing for them and what not?
Well if we were to give them the possibility to decide anything, then...
Young lady, are you the most intelligent ones here?
Did anyone tell you this or you decided it by yourself?
We can't waste time with this.
You are creatures of the anti-tenture,
and I must send you to your point of departure.
Or return you in time, to the moment when you made your fateful decision.
Choose.
Excuse me. I don't understand. To what time?
The past... to Pluke.
Can you send one of us to Earth, and the other to the past?
Vladimir Nikolaevich, I won't allow you on Pluke alone.
Listen, uncle, set it for the past.
What did it take, 50 minutes to glue the violin?
50 minutes.
Brother Patsak, there is a guy coming with the sock.
Tell him to go to the etsikh area.
Do you know where it is?
I know.
Go on then, show us.
Let's give them something else to do.
Everyone rest for half an hour!
Thank you, my friend.
Play, play, peasants.
Skripach! Time!
Once again you haven't transferred, bastards.
Again. Get out.
Bollocks. It's better for us here than on Alpha.
Come on, drag them out.
Quickly, we'll soon have the space travel machine.
Vladimir Nikoleavich! You owe us 11 000 boxes, as Skripach has noted.
11 020!
I have a suggestion. Vova! We'll transfer with you to a supermarket now,
and after you've bought them all...
There won't be any 'after'. We can only go to the Earth.
Forever?
Forever.
Me on a planet where they don't even know who should squat in front of whom? Bullshit.
Take the gravitsapa and do what you want.
Uncle Uef. Uncle Beeh. You will have a great reception there!
No, genatsvale! When a society has no colored trousers to differentiate classes,
then there is no goal. And if there is no goal...
Brothers. Enough philosophyzing. He's almost here.
Now, decide.
With us or not?
Give us the gravitsapa, alright?
Give it to him.
You'll regret it.
Well, let's say good-bye...
I got used to you, you know.
Me too.
Well, take care.
Friends, Patsaks!
Here's your sock, thank you. If you want...
Friend! What is your travel system?
Let me have a look.
An ordinary system. Press the button and go home.
Hi
Hi - what's new?
Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory.
How's the star schoolboy?
He's out playing...
Vova, pop out for some bread. I forgot it, can you?
And I think, there is not enough macaroni.
Comrade...
How do I get to the Stary Arbat?
That way, to the right.
Thank you.
...Skripach?
Uncle Vova?
...Skripach!
Uncle Vova!
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
The End